Today I wanted to kick off a new series all about the idea of authenticity. That’s what this show is all about, and I figured I haven’t exactly spoken to it. I ask my guests about it, but I wanted to dive in and unpack it over a handful of episodes.
A complicated idea
To kick off, I wanted to talk about authenticity on the broadest level, because this idea of following a path in your life where you have a life of your own making is a very, very complicated one. When I set out to do it 10–15 years ago, I thought it would be really simple: figure it out, get there, be happy. What I found is that this is the most difficult but most important process of my life. So I want to break down for you what’s worked, what hasn’t worked, and what I’ve learned over those years.
How do we define a life that makes us happy?
Essentially, everyone wants to make good choices that lead to a life that works out in the end. We make a bunch of choices: who to marry, what city to live in, what foods we eat. But what does it mean to make a lot of choices that create a life you’re eventually happy about? The problem becomes how we define a life that makes us happy, and how to make the choices that land us there.
You may try to define your life by looking to friends, family or trusted mentors for the answers. But the only person who can tell you what you want is you. Within all of us is a deeper wisdom that knows what we want, but most of us railroad right over that wisdom in favor of a life that “makes sense,” meets other people’s approval, or gives us the hope of fame or fortune.
When a successful life isn’t yours
I was that person. I followed the advice of others and picked a life that wasn’t of my own making. I knew it could bring financial freedom, and that was amazing. But I knew in the moment I was making the decision that it wasn’t what I wanted. I rationalized it because it made a ton of sense, and I was successful. The worst part was, I was successful. I built a business and sold it to a Fortune 500 company. I was an executive in a business of 27,000 employees. But in my heart, at every moment, I knew this wasn’t the life for me. So even though it made sense and met the approval of so many people, I wasn’t happy.
What happened was that I made choices from an inauthentic place and I didn’t know it. I made choices that spoke to my logical, analytic mind. It made sense, but it just wasn’t right for me.
Where do your choices come from?
Decision after decision, we create a life. Some decisions are small, like “Where do I want to eat dinner?” Some are bigger, like “What relationship do I want to be in? What career do I want to have?” The deciding factor in what creates not momentary happiness but a long-term sense of contentment, freedom, joy and satisfaction is asking yourself: Where do my choices come from? Do they come from approval? Fear? Judgements that lead to resentment, anger and sadness? Or do they come from my truth?
It’s that simple: make choices from your truth and you’ll build a life, choice by choice, that you love. The question is how. How do I find that deeper wisdom, that truth we all have within us, and start trusting it to make choices from that space?
You won’t always get it right
I don’t always get it right. Life is stressful and can be really challenging. The pressure to pay the bills and competing demands of family and children can wear you down, and you can make decisions out of fear. That’s okay. Once you learn to tell the difference and know how to get back to that deeper wisdom when you’ve lost your way, you can course-correct and come back to building a life that’s meant for you. I still get off course, but the time between the decision that took me off track and course-correcting is a lot shorter. I don’t wake up two, three or four years later wondering, “How did I get here?”
The five steps in this series
- Awareness. Without it you cannot start this process. We’ll talk about breath, your body and the signals it gives you.
- Total personal responsibility. Removing blame completely and making personal responsibility your life model.
- Ditching the victim mindset. Recognising that you have a choice in every moment.
- Taking action from your truth. Life is an endless iteration: take action, iterate, pivot, keep going.
- Learning who you are through action. Without blame, without victimhood and with awareness, you start to locate your inner wisdom and find your talents and joys.
Finally, living your authentic life: once you know where that space is and trust yourself again, life keeps moving and creating new challenges. So how do you navigate through the storm?
Frequently asked questions
How do you define a happy life?
Laura argues that only you can define it. A lasting sense of contentment comes from making choices from your truth rather than from approval, fear or judgement.
What are the five steps to an authentic life?
Awareness, total personal responsibility, ditching the victim mindset, taking action from your truth, and learning who you are through that action.
What if I make choices out of fear?
It happens. What matters is learning to recognise the difference so you can course-correct sooner.
The series
This episode is part of Laura’s five-part series on living an authentic life: 1. Awareness Re-Defined · 2. Radical Responsibility · 3. How to Make Choices That Matter · 4. How to Live Your Truth · 5. Why Living Your Truth Takes Daily Practice. It starts with How Do We Define a Happy Life?
Go deeper into these ideas in Laura Coe’s books.